4 gifts Arsenal need from Santa Claus this Christmas

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…when you’re in the top four for the first time at this stage since 2016 and you’ve got a cup semi-final to come in. It’s a lot better for Arsenal this year than it was last year.

On a rotten run of seven matches without victory prior to last December’s festivities, Mikel Arteta will be a far happier man as he takes his side up to face Norwich on Boxing Day as opposed to hosting Chelsea with his job on the line.

Victory over Sunderland in the Carabao Cup quarter-finals to set up a semi-final tie with Liverpool makes it all merrier over the holiday period.

Depending on one’s age, this month can be joyous and excitable, or stressful and expensive. This, of course, relates to getting presents.

4 gifts Mikel Arteta’s Arsenal need from Santa Claus this Christmas before the Boxing Day trip up to Norwich in the Premier League

Scrambling to find the right type of earring with the clock ticking down or waiting anxiously by the front door in the hopes that your delivery will arrive at in time, it makes you realise how much more relaxing life was as a young un’ looking forward to Santa’s arrival.

Arteta will be enjoying his day with his family and opening all sorts of presents, but he’ll sneakily be hoping that Father Christmas blesses him with some Arsenal-specific gifts this year.

What might he be wishing for?

It could be something as boring as a new tactics board as his current one is showing signs of wear and tear. But this is Christmas. He might as well set his sights high for something a little bit special. There are four presents we can think of that he might like.

1. A Cloning Machine

On the one hand, AFCON is a magnificent tournament to get your teeth sunk into and the pinnacle of football for those hailing from the continent. It’s great fun, full of brilliant celebrations, and mighty fine players.

From the other side of the coin, managers fret as they lose key members of their Premier League squads at crucial points in the season. Arteta is one of them.

Two in particular are leaving in late December, putting Arsenal in something of a pickle. Thomas Partey and Mohamed Elneny’s departures will leave a chasm in the centre of the park. With them gone, it’s left to Ainsley Maitland-Niles, Sambi Lokonga and Granit Xhaka to man the fort for seven matches across three competitions. Eek.

So what might Arteta be wishing for? Why a cloning machine, of course.

What he’s got is talent on his hands, but the only thing better than talent is double the amount of talent. Two Xhaka’s, two Maitland-Niles’ and two Sambi’s would have no problem balancing the minutes around.

Might have to give them different names, though. It could get confusing.

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2. A Paper Shredder

Working tirelessly with the club to construct a squad full of young players, Arteta still has work to do to trim the fat of this group even with the extensive work already undertaken.

Still with players to shift, some are proving more troublesome to move than others. Take Sead Kolasinac, for example, who is believe it or not still an Arsenal player despite valiant efforts to have his contract cancelled or to entice a buyer.

Between now and his deal expiring he will earn £2.7m in wages.

Then there is Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang. So much drama has engulfed this football club over the years and there was no signs of that dying down when the 32-year-old was stripped of the captaincy and then ostracised from the rest of the group.

It’s kind of a big deal too, since he’s the top earner on an eye-watering £350k-per-week.

Moving Kolasinac on has been painfully tough, and Aubameyang will follow suit, so the best the manager can hope for is, obviously, a lovely new paper shredder.

Can’t find buyers or agree on a payout? When they’re out in training, get that contract out, and shred it. Bye. When Kolasinac starts asking for 90%, Arteta can just reply ‘what contract?’.

Devious, immoral and cunning.

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3. A New Captain’s Armband

Here’s a brief history of some of the recent Arsenal captains:

• Henry: Left for Barcelona
• Gallas: Stripped of the armband
• Fabregas: Forced a move to Barcelona
• Van Persie: Left to Man Utd for peanuts
• Vermaelen: Lost his place and then left for Barcelona
• Arteta: Suffered loads of injuries and hardly played
• Mertesacker: Suffered loads of injuries and barely played
• Koscielny: Went on strike
• Xhaka: Stripped of the armband
• Auba: Stripped of the armband

The d*mn thing is a poisoned chalice. It’s the footballing equivalent of kryptonite for our supposed superheroes.

Why? Why? Why?

Well, just maybe, the one they have is cursed. Arsenal may have unknowingly employed a Tottenham fan on their books, and they put a spell on it. It would explain a lot.

So, quite simply ahead of the permanent appointment, maybe a new one might be in order?

As for the current one, burn it.

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4. A New Striker

The most obvious one of all. The one every supporter has scribbled down on their list and one Arteta probably has etched on every wall of his house like Jack Torrance at the Overlook Hotel.

A fast one?

A physical one?

One who actually scores?

A technical one?

Someone who can hold the ball up?

An expert in linking play?

Someone over six foot tall?

Truthfully, a little bit of all those qualities wouldn’t go amiss. Arsenal desperately need a new centre-forward amid the alarmingly unstable position they find themselves in at present, with Aubameyang possibly leaving, Lacazette and Nketiah due to leave and Balogun about to go on loan.

Four strikers on the books and all four might not even be at the club next season.

Please, Santa, help us out.