Arsenal: The question isn’t “what does Jesse Lingard do best?”

Jesse Lingard has been linked to a shock move to Arsenal, and by shock I mean stupid. Let’s not ask what he does best. There’s a better question.

I have never been more tempted to finally buckle down and pay for The Athletic then when I saw the headline “What does Jesse Lingard do best?” Having just been linked to Arsenal and thus prompting a “this is stupid” post from me, I was smitten with the idea of watching a professional writer try to find something that Lingard does well.

Mostly because I don’t think that’s a question that needs to be asked. For me, the question that needs to be asked is “what even does Jesse Lingard do?”

It’s remarkable when you break down the numbers how inefficient he is at… everything? Is that harsh? I’ll answer that myself—no, it isn’t harsh. Because it’s true. Let’s get to some facts.

Jesse Lingard does not score goals consistently. In his entire career, he scores a goal about every 400 minutes. Even worse when we get to assists. Now, you might say that’s unfair. Maybe circumstance has not favored him.

For argument’s sake, I’ll go along with that. So let’s look at other numbers.

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Jesse Lingard does not create chances. In his entire career, he’s managed just 0.9 chances created per match. Even in his “big breakout” 2017/18 season, he created… 0.9 chances per match.

Jesse Lingard does not dribble well. in his entire career, he’s managed just 0.7 completed dribbles per match. Even in his “big breakout” 2017/18 season, he completed… 0.8 dribbles per match.

*Billy Mays voice* But wait, there’s more!

Jesse Lingard has a terrible touch. It’s the thing he does best! In his entire career, he takes 1.5 poor touches per match. In his “big breakout” 2017/18 season, he took… 1.5 poor touches per match.

You can see where this is going, so let me just hit some more highlights. He doesn’t defend. Just 1.5 defensive actions per match, with even less than that in his big breakout year. He doesn’t even take a lot of shots—just 1.5 per match.

This guy is a creative midfielder or a winger. But he doesn’t do anything that creative midfielders or wingers do. In fact, he doesn’t do anything that any position does. Maybe keeper, I guess. That’s the closest thing.

So please, someone tell me what Jesse Lingard does best, because I’m still stuck on what Jesse Lingard actually does.