Arsenal: Santi Cazorla Agrees To Experimental Ankle Implant

Arsenal has missed Santi Cazorla greatly this year, but it sounds as though the Gunner’s medical team has found a solution, although it is rather odd.

Arsenal’s problems this year have been well-documented and numerous. The ratio of things gone wrong to things gone right has tragically skewed and righting the ship has become the order of business, rather than coasting to the usual top four finish.

Santi Cazorla’s injury could be seen as the starting point where it all began to go wrong. Playing that all-important pivot role, Cazorla’s absence last year was a major dent in the capabilities of the squad. Having it happen again this year lead to similar results, as the club still wasn’t prepared for his absence.

Cazorla suffered a re-opening of the scar back in October against Ludogorets.

One of the biggest questions facing the Gunners now is how they adapt to Cazorla’s absence. He has just recently been “officially” ruled out for the rest of the season and we all want to know how we move forward without him.

There are a bunch of linked midfielders who could probably play the role very well, and some internal options might work out too. But we know that Cazorla works, and if we could only keep him healthy, everything would be fine.

Thankfully, recent reports indicate that the Arsenal medical team and Santi Cazorla have come to an agreement to undergo an experimental surgery to permanently (yes, permanently) repair the damaged ankle.

This new experimental surgery is designed to breathe new life into the weary legs of the Spaniard. By using a liquefied, mimetic polyalloy, this procedure would coat the ligaments in Cazorla’s ankles with what is essentially liquid metal. Rather than screwing the ligaments back into place, this polyalloy mimics the motions of actual ligaments, relieving the wear and tear that can occur after years of playing football.

More from Pain in the Arsenal

The idea for the procedure was first introduced in 1991, but the doctors behind the idea admitted that they didn’t expect it to be fully operational until around 2030. Hence the experimental nature of enacting the implant 13 years before the estimated completion date.

Still, the highly controversial doctor behind all of this, Dr. Serena Kogan, who is the lead on developing this revolutionary healing method, expressed her optimism in the procedure. She even went so far as to say that if this works out, there is nothing to prevent the polyalloy from being used on muscles to slow that wear and tear as well.

And then? Well then footballers may be able to play forever. If they have liquefied metal coating their muscles, ligaments and tendons, mimicking what the body does, then there will be no breaks, no strains, no tears, nothing.

Dr. Kogan, a founding member of the medical group known as “Skynet” and an expert in nanorobotics, believes that in the end, without injuries, Arsenal can finally win a title. She has referred to Cazorla, her first patient to agree to the implants, as T-1000.

“If everything goes right,” Dr. Kogan said, “T-1000 (Cazorla) is just the start. We at Skynet have eyes on making Jack Wilshere T-1001.”

When asked to comment on his upcoming procedure, Cazorla said simply, “I’ll be back.”

Next: 10 Reasons Wenger's One More Year Makes Sense

Happy April Fool’s Day Gooners!

Home/Arsenal News