Olivier Giroud Facing FIFA Investigation for Performance-Enhancing Hair

The “Quiff,” as Olivier Giroud has named it, has become a fashion sensation in his native France. All the young kids are growing the Quiff, and some professional athletes are mimicking the forward-thinking Giroud’s prolific doo. “Yes, they try to do the quiff. Especially in France, I see a lot of them. It is funny because they try to imitate me – but it is always a pleasure.” Olivier Giroud said (via the Express).

But the Quiff isn’t as harmless as you think. Children are being banned for incorporating their Arsenal fan-ship into their daily get-up. Take for instance Danny Purdy, a young Arsenal fan who opted for the Quiff with the belief that it would enhance his heading ability on the school soccer team (via ParentDish.com). Little did Danny know, the school knew what he was up to, and sent the young boy “home in tears” prior to the all-important soccer match against the rivals from across town.

However, you may be surprised to find out that Giroud did not actually cut his hair the way he did for the look of it (although he did win the hottest player in the Premier League, courtesy of the Quiff). Much like young Mr. Purdy, Olivier Giroud grew the Quiff so as to provide a bigger surface and allow for greater control when the ball propelled off of his forehead.

Take a look at these before and after the Quiff stats (via Squawka, on a per 90 minute basis):

[table id=33 /]

As you can see, the statistics don’t lie. Giroud’s head is a much more dominant force when properly equipped with the Quiff, as opposed to the spiky haired nonsense he had prior to the Quiff. In fact, Giroud has as many headed goals this year (with the Quiff) as he did all of last year without the Quiff (4 each). He’s played only 19 games this year, compared to 36 last year.

The science behind the Quiff is difficult to explain and hasn’t been widely researched, but as you can tell from the picture below, the physics are pretty self-explanatory:

View image | gettyimages.com

The ball propels off of a rounded surface (the forehead) at a perfectly straight trajectory. The only way to make this possible is to add a bit of level surface to round it all off above the forehead. But hair in and of itself is a flimsy substance incapable of keeping its shape when striking a soccer ball. It’s the added styling product that goes into forming the Quiff that makes the difference. The resulting rock hard hair spiral has that added power needed to adequately appropriate the ball in the direction the header wants it to go.

We already know Olivier Giroud as an entrepreneur, a stylistic, suave gent, and an overly talented footballer, but he now proves his knack as a physicist, and a damn good one at that.

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But it’s not all sunshine and roses with the Quiff. FIFA is currently investigating whether or not the Quiff is a performance-enhancing substance (given the hair product required), and it’s all thanks to that nine-year old Danny Purdy, who was caught using the hair style to become a dominant (perhaps overly-dominant) striker in his youth soccer league.

FIFA’s all-seeing eyes witnessed the quick rise of Danny Purdy and are now questioning whether Olivier Giroud’s meteoric rise is based on similar circumstances.

Ask any Arsenal fan as of two months ago what they thought of Olivier Giroud. You’d get a wide range of predominantly negative answers. “He’s a wandering wardrobe,” “He’s a tactless lamp post,” “But at least he has nice hair.” That would be the general consensus.

Now, however, fans are praising the Frenchman for his play style – but no longer for his hair.

Why? Because Arsenal fans are a tactful bunch that know that if they draw too much attention to his hair and his skill, it would raise suspicion from FIFA officials beyond the suspicion they already have.

The media is currently seeking out Olivier Giroud for his thoughts on the subject, but various sources say that Giroud has lowered his Quiff approximately three-quarters of an inch to meet with FIFA’s newly authored (although still pending) Quiff Standards. It’s taking an immediate effect.

As seen in the picture below, Olivier Giroud’s lowered Quiff is causing severe balancing problems with his play:

View image | gettyimages.com

He may have tallied a goal for his national team, but it’s pretty obvious that without his Quiff at it’s regular height, Giroud is less effective as a striker.

It’s something all Arsenal fans saw coming. International Break is always a time that causes all Gunner fans to hold their breath in anticipation of injuries. And here we have our injury – the Quiff.

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But the problem with this injury is that there is no set recovery date. It’s not as simple as an ankle injury or an slbow injury where a couple screws and a couple weeks and it’s good as new. The Quiff cannot be repaired, seeing as how FIFA is investigating how much it is responsible for the strikers success. Some say they may even take all of his headed “Quiff goals” away from his season tally. But that’s only in the most-extreme case scenario, which given Giroud’s pristine disciplinary history, shouldn’t be the outcome.

Picture for a moment a bald Olivier Giroud (one recommended punishment for his Quiffing ways). Would he have as many fans? Would Arsenal still desire to maintain his services? Or would they simply ship him off to Zenit St. Petersburg where it’s cold and windy, where his scalp will get all chapped and irritated?

Not so long ago, Olivier Giroud was posing with his Quiff in GQ magazine, seemingly on top of the world. His goal scoring record this year was second only to Lionel Messi. But now, he may be facing direct action from FIFA in undermining his successful campaign. Even with the shortening of his Quiff, it may be too little too late. Plus, with Giroud blatantly shortening his Quiff at the time of the investigation, it may appear that he already has a guilty conscious.

I think I speak for all Arsenal fans when I say that we wish Giroud and his Quiff good luck in the legal proceedings to come.

Happy April Fools Day, from all of us here at Pain in the Arsenal.

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